BODY DECORATION AND THE ART OF LEARNING TO BE ME
We've all heard it. "Be yourself!" "Own your flaws." "Love the body you are in." But, what if that same proud body wants to be someone else? If even for a day. Things can slowly cannonball into self doubt. Not the kind where you're not sure if those new pants look good because they don't hug you in all the "right" places. The kind where you're scared of trying new things because of how others will perceive you.
But trying new things is what makes us know ourselves better. A red lip might make us walk taller, some new ink might help us feel stronger, some dressy pants may make us look like we got our shit together while still being an anxious mess inside. Trial and error using different types of body decoration has been a key component in helping me understand myself a little better. Makeup, tattoos, hair color, jewelry... the list goes on. They define times in my life where I hung out with certain people or I was into some particular kind of music... It's my way of adapting to my surroundings while still being able to show up, for myself.
I remember clearly the day that some called me a 'friend jumper'. Whenever I had a new job, I would hang out with my coworkers more often, mostly because they're the people I saw day in day out. So, naturally, I started to develop those new friendships outside of work as well. I know that the person who said it, meant for it to be insulting. Because I stopped hanging out with a certain crowd and was easily hanging out with other people. But to me, it was the best way to describe what was going on with my style, music, hang out choices. I jumped from what I liked or didn't like in a snap. No looking back! All black everything and loud music? Yep. Went through that. Summery dresses with chucks and side swept bangs? Also, happened. Listening to One Direction all day and having thoughts of getting a tribal tattoo? Nope. Never. But, you get my drift. For years I thought I was a fake because I never was ONE thing all the time. Why couldn't I be one of those flawless girls with long hair and button up dresses that listen to Gainsbourg till they die? Why did I suddenly feel like I enjoyed dressing brighter when summer came by and my coworkers were wearing fun prints? Would I completely regret getting an OK tattooed on my wrist?
So, I slightly edited the insult to 'phase jumper' and decided to embrace it. If I wake up feeling like ray of sunshine, I WILL wear a damn pink dress and throw glitter around! Other times, I want to hide in a corner and make myself invisible. That's when I rely on no makeup, all black clothing and a cap. Am I being a fake pink happy human one day and a dark hater the other? No. I'm just being me in that moment.
Many moments after that, and many bad decisions after that, I'll still be me and you'll still be you. Just a you or a me that went through some shit and learned a thing or two. Wether we express it with clothes, tattoos, new friends or by acting differently. It's all just a part of learning to be our selves.